So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Of course I have a pirate flag
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
