I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
