4 words: hood of his car
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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