I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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