no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
