My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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