I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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