I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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