Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
