You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
