If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
