He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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