she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I checked into jail on foursquare
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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