1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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