i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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