what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
