She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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