Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
