ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
