I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
