Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
