a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
