Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
