at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
NoShamevember. You game?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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