I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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