youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
