Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
