she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
