OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
