Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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