I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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