wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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