I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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