it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
