I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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