We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
