my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
