I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
