The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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