I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
