yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
