So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
