Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
