My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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