Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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