So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
