I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
