Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Someone signed my nipple.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
