your parents love me but you hate me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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