So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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