I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
