you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
