i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
